I had a terrible day, and I’m not entirely certain why it was so bad. I had a good sleep, I didn’t have any crazy nightmares involving people dying (or waiting for people to die), and it wasn’t insane at work. But lately I’ve been not-quite-right, and I know it, and I feel powerless to actually fix it right now. There’s too much going on, even if it may not seem like it, and I’ve been putting myself on the back burner trying to keep everything else from boiling over. I need my meds adjusted, and my MD isn’t in the network so it’s going to cost me an arm and a leg to go back to her and get a check up in addition to the wallet-rape it costs me to get the crap refilled every month.
So I sent Eddie a text message this afternoon telling him how I was feeling, and requested pizza because for the first time in a very long time I wanted to eat for comfort. And after dinner Eddie drew me a bath and tossed in two vanilla and buttercream bath bombs, lit some candles, and left me in there alone for 40 minutes. I laid down, covered my ears with the water and enjoyed some well deserved silence.
Well, almost silence. I had a cat who was attempting to steal my glasses from the edge of the tub, drink the water, and sit on my stomach while I was relaxing.
I don’t know how we’re going to afford to keep ahead of things for the next 2-3 months. Rent takes up a solid paycheck. The next paycheck usually goes for bills, food, etc. At this point, we’ve got the following additional crap to pay for:
- Eddie’s INS paperwork.
- Car registration
- Car insurance
- getting the car out of the tow yard
Needless to say, we are simply shovelling shit against the tide here. I noticed this morning that the depression seems to be creeping back. Not like the full-blown, suicidal wreck I was 3 years ago, but I can feel it steadily creeping back in, sort of like the black shadows you think you see in your peripheral vision while watching a creepy movie. I attribute it to the stress of the past couple of weeks, being on such an amazingly shoestring budget, worrying about how we’re going to be able to make it to the next paycheck, since it seems that as soon as we get money we lose it.
I want to just lose myself in some webdesign for about 3 weeks; thoughtless work that will keep my mind off of the real world for a little while. I look at some people who claim to be web designers, and laugh at the way that their tables don’t match up, or the scripts don’t work, stuff that obviously should be alligned isn’t…. I’m harsh and critical….I’ve been restraining myself a lot lately. I stop myself from curling up under the covers and ignoring Eddie. I know he worries about me, and I don’t want to freak him out.
