Dear government,

We know you have a weather controlling machine. Don’t try to deny it. I don’t care what you’re using it for, or how many of my tax dollars went into its creation, but I do have one small favor to ask:

Please stop fucking with our weather.

You see, it’s January. According to my calendar, it’s been Winter for nearly a month now, and yet Rhode Island is having weather reaching nearly 60F for the past week or, and it’s been in the upper 40s most days since late Fall. You just can’t fuck with out weather like this. Without snow, we have nothing to complain about. Gone are the days when we could show up to work 2 hours late and tell our bosses that we had to shovel ourselves out of our driveways, or that our car was coated in 1/4″ layer of ice, or that the state needs to get more fuckin’ plow drivers because your street seems to be the last one cleared every time it snows. No longer can we stock up on milk and bread when Gary Ley says there’s flakes in our future.

But what really sucks about not having snow? Everyone is out on the roads, and in true Roe-dylanduh style, none of these oxygen thieves can drive. It’s raining? Drive the speed limit. Sunlight? swerve across 3 lanes of traffic because you can’t see the lines on the road. Cop in the breakdown lane? Immediately slam on your brakes and drive 45mph on the interstate. Someone’s sighted an orange contruction cone? Holy shit, stop the car, I think the earth has split up ahead!

On the plus side, I turned the heat way down.

Dear WJAR weather crew,

I understand that forecasting the weather is not an exact science, as Mother Nature is a fickle bitch and sometimes things get blown off course. I forgave you when your forecast for 6-8″ of snow last Monday turned out to be a dusting. But what happened today?

We started off with snow. It was light, puffy snow from the looks of it. Being a Rhode Island native, I checked the news to see what was expected (2-4″) and locked myself indoors where it’s safe. I mean, we only get snow 10 or 20 times a year, so it’s not like any of us know how to drive unless we’re tailgating a plow and the state closes up tighter than a gnat’s ass, right? No need for me to be out, so I opened the blinds and settled in to watch the snowflakes.

First we had some light snow. The flakes weren’t huge, but they weren’t flurries either, and there was probably about 2″ out there. Then it changed to much bigger flakes and came down a lot heavier for a while, giving us another 2″ or 3″ of it, but just as predicted it turned to rain, and so we got that for a little while after about 1pm.

And then the weather changed so much so fast that even you guys were confused.

First the wind picked up, blowing the rain sideways for a while, and at the same time the temperature dropped about 15 degrees in an hour. So now we’ve got about 5″ of snow on my street and a driving rainstorm that is freezing to anything it touches. Then the rain turned to snow again. Not the big flakes we’d had earlier, but again not flurries. Snow flying horizontally and even upwards and sustained winds of about 35mph. At this point, my windows are now covered with snow and I can’t see out them anymore. Imagine this scene now - snowflakes with anti-gravity properties, crazy winds, and to cap it all off, we start getting thunder and lightning.

At the last report, we were looking at the end of the bad weather and you were saying that the sun would be coming out soon. If by “soon” you really mean “tomorrow morning”, I’ll believe you.

When I left the house this afternoon right after my last post, there was something brewing along I-95S, right along the train tracks. There’s a helocoptor flying overhead, but you can’t see anything happening. There weren’t any cops around when I first saw it, so I figured it was a traffic chopper and continued on my way down to Warwick.

However, it was still there when we were driving home, and even now we can still hear it - the tracks are not too far from our house, and we could see the chopper from the top of our street. Of course, there’s nothing on the local news pages. The local news doesn’t start for another 30 minutes, so I’ll have to wait until then to find out what the hell is happening in my neighborhood.