After a week and a half of no Lexapro, I’ve discovered something has returned that I was unaware was even lost - my inner monologue is back. That little voice in my head that has been quiet for a year now has started piping up more and more, usually finishing up sentences for me with sarcastic quips. And she’s mean… oh god, I don’t remember her being this mean before.

To alleviate any concerns, no, this isn’t like one of those voices that tells people to do things, nor am I receiving encoded secret messages from the kitchen appliances about government conspiracies. It’s just… my mind won’t shut off and I find myself catching my tongue to avoid a biting comment. Sometimes I don’t catch myself in time, and I’m worried that I’m going to say something really mean for no good reason.

With any luck, we should have the Internet back on this afternoon.

I’ve been off my lexapro for a week now. It’s nice to have emotions again. I feel good most times and and notso good other times, but the point is that I’m actually feeling something again.

This week has gone by so slooowly. I can’t wait for the weekend.

I had a terrible day, and I’m not entirely certain why it was so bad. I had a good sleep, I didn’t have any crazy nightmares involving people dying (or waiting for people to die), and it wasn’t insane at work. But lately I’ve been not-quite-right, and I know it, and I feel powerless to actually fix it right now. There’s too much going on, even if it may not seem like it, and I’ve been putting myself on the back burner trying to keep everything else from boiling over. I need my meds adjusted, and my MD isn’t in the network so it’s going to cost me an arm and a leg to go back to her and get a check up in addition to the wallet-rape it costs me to get the crap refilled every month.

So I sent Eddie a text message this afternoon telling him how I was feeling, and requested pizza because for the first time in a very long time I wanted to eat for comfort. And after dinner Eddie drew me a bath and tossed in two vanilla and buttercream bath bombs, lit some candles, and left me in there alone for 40 minutes. I laid down, covered my ears with the water and enjoyed some well deserved silence.

Well, almost silence. I had a cat who was attempting to steal my glasses from the edge of the tub, drink the water, and sit on my stomach while I was relaxing.

So it’s Saturday, and I’m getting ready to enjoy my day off by going to get my hair cut and go to my mother’s house for the day. We didn’t get home until about 10:30pm last night, and ended up going to bed an hour later. I didn’t get to sleep very quickly, even with the added bonus of a Benadryl, and woke up at around 5am because I needed to pee, so I’ve been up and about for a while now.

Last night seemed to be narcotic night at the store. If people weren’t coming in with scripts for hardcore painkillers, it was ADHD meds. Last week started our compliance with the “Meth Awareness Act” or some such, so now anything with pseudoephedrine (Sudafed’s active ingredient) - essentially anything with a decongestant - is behind the counter and we need ID to sell it so we’ve got a log of who’s mixing up bathtub crank and who just has a cold. And, to make matters even more fun, on Monday we start selling syringes over the counter, which we also need to check ID for. Thankfully we don’t need to write those names down.

This next week will be a blur, much like most of this month has been. I may or may not be working for a few hours on Wednesday, which would be nice because I’ll be losing hours on Friday due to graduation. I’m also going to call and make an appointment with my doctor to get a checkup and to discuss some fun things like birth control and the possibility of getting my ass on some long-overdue psych meds in hopes that I can get this depression and anxiety under control. Can I get 3 cheers for being crazy? And maybe a suggestion for a med that won’t fuck me up sexually?

It’s Friday! Woot! It’s just too hot to do anything today.

I’m sitting here in a ratty pair of panties and a black shirt, drinking iced tea out of the container, while Edie watches a Harry Potter movie that he swears he’s never seen. I drove him into work because I wanted to be able to take the car and get my prescription transfered over to his store’s pharmacy. Around lunchtime I drove down to the nearest Cingular shop and got my mother a new phone, which thrilled her when I gave it to her later in the afternoon. My prescription was transferred over without a hitch, and I got an extra $15 taken off the cost because I changed pharmacies. So this month, even without insurance, my cost was only $3 more than it would have been with the insurance. Of course, next month it’ll be $38, but I’ll worry about that at in a month. After I got my prescription and we took off, we headed out to get some groceries and I told Eddie all about how I horribly pathetic I must look when putting in the BC ring, which entails a squatting position and about 5 hands, otherwise the not-as-flexible-as-it-seems slimy ring will fly out of my hands, requiring me to get up, find it and rinse it off, and try again.

A pleasent visual, is it not?

I also get the lovely priviledge of going back to the doctor’s again next week, this time to go over my bloodwork. I’m not too thrilled with this, since I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that they’re going to tell me that I’ve got high cholesterol and/or I’m diabetic, both of which run in the family.