– OCD stuff –
- Need to check house keys several times before leaving the house to verify that I do have the keys to get back inside - most days won’t actually shut the door unless I can see the keys are in my hand
- Compulsive checking of gas gauge while driving out of fear that I’ll run out of gas and be stranded
– Anxiety –
- Refusal to interact with landlord
- avoiding situations that may put me in contact with him, such as driving past house when he’s home.
- have been known to spend entire days in complete silence, tiptoing through house if he’s home, in fear that he will come knocking on door for any reason.
- waiting in the car for him to go into his house if we get home at the same time
- Have completely changed my normal route to my mother’s house after getting pulled over for a dead light on our license plate holder, out of fear that I’ll get pulled over again.
- Hate driving at night, but hate not having control over the car even more so, which sucks because Eddie drives more often than not and I sit there freaking out over ever thing.
- I worry constantly that either myself or Eddie will be sick. More often than not I worry that he’ll get sick and I’ll be unable to care for him. Less-frequently the worry involves tragic accidents that require one of us to make a trip to the morgue to ID a body.
- Constant worry that I’ll be out somewhere where I can’t find a bathroom nearby.
– Depression –
- Complete apathy in regards to life itself.
- my house is a complete pig-sty, and while I would love for it to be cleaner, I can’t bring myself to do it.
- I go to work because I have to, but if I could stay in bed and read all day I would do so
- In general, if the world outside of my little family/social bubble were to disappear, I probably wouldn’t care so long as I could still have internet access and weekend dinners at my mother’s house
- Crying jags for no reason, overemotional about everything
- No energy to do anything more than the bare minimum needed, and no desire to do more than the minimum on the days when I do have more energy.
- cleaning, on the rare occasion that I make an effort to do it, involves hiding the clutter so things look clean (just don’t open a closet or drawer)
- completely inattentive to task at hand - example being that I started this list 2 hours ago, and have stopped several times to do other, more interesting things, Such as clip my toenails.
- Can’t fall asleep, can’t stay asleep. Yet constantly tired.
– Self-Injury –
- The trich is back and in full-swing. I have had to literally sit on my hands to stop myself from pulling out my hair. This makes for tricky driving (somewhat tied to OCD)
- I burn myself in the shower. The redder my skin is when I come out of the bathroom, the better I feel. Because I can at least feel something.
- I am very, very careful about using actual razers to shave. Some days I feel like I’m just *this close* to deliberately slicing my leg. There’s an x-axto knife hidden somewhere in the house for the same reason - I’m afraid of it. I love cutting things with it, but I’m terrified that I’d like cutting myself more with it.
