“I do not want children. When I see children, I feel nothing. I have no maternal instinct. I am barren. I ovulate sand… I look at children and feel no pull toward them, no desire whatsoever.”
As soon as Eddie and I were married, the questions began. “When are you having children?” “When do you plan on giving your parents some cute grandbabies?” The simple response to that would be “We’re not.” However, most people just can’t leave that question alone, because a woman who doesn’t want children - ever - is a strange thing indeed. I’ve been saying since I was about 8 that I am never having kids. It just doesn’t interest me. I don’t like the idea of being responsible for another human being when I can barely take care of myself. At any rate, what gets me is the frankly ignorant statement by more than one person that childfree women are supposedly not truly being women because they don’t choose to conceive and bear a child.
Question: Do you not get what being childFREE means?!
It means specifically that I do not want to conceive and bear a child! I also hate this mentality that says, “If you were pregnant you would change your mind once you knew there was a life growing inside you.” No, see, that’s the difference. If I got pregnant I would be down at the clinic ASAP for an abortion. I’d be making an appointment at my local Planned Parenthood before the pregnancy test hit the bottom of the waste basket. Added onto this are the statements of, “You’ll never know the joy of holding a baby in your arms, of feeling your baby’s heatbeat along with yours,” etc. I don’t want to, that’s just the point!
I don’t personally have a problem with people who want children. I don’t like people arguing my choice with me and if a woman really desires a child then more power to her. It’s not up to me to deny her that any more than it is up to someone to say I must have a child.
My problem is when people make womanhood all about having children. I’m somehow not a woman or denying my womanhood because I won’t have a child. It makes me even angrier when men say things like, “Women don’t know how good they have it.” Look pal, if I could have magically given you my female organs and ability to reproduce I sure would have, believe me. I just thoroughly resent the implication that women aren’t women if they don’t have children. My gods, how defeating can you get? No wonder women out there who can’t have children and want to feel like such failures if this is what society, especially women in society are feeding each other. Maybe that’s why more women don’t/won’t consider adoption.
Regardless, not having children is my choice. I don’t have a maternal instinct at all. Saying I would miraculously develop one upon becoming pregnant is pure ignorance. It’s like saying someone needs to experience being set on fire to really know they wouldn’t like it. And for those of you that like to say, “Oh, her parents must not have loved her,” or, “I bet she ends up having kids anyway.” I had the best parents in the world. I had a loving and supportive home, in fact, my mother, grandmother, in-laws, and husband support my choice.
In the immortal words of George Carlin:
“Now, something else I’m getting tired of is all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to all the time about children. It’s all you hear in this country. “Children; help the children, what about the children, save the children.” You know what I say? Fuck the children. Fuck ‘em. They’re getting entirely too much attention. And I know what you’re thinking, you say “Jesus, he’s not going to attack children, is he?” Yes he is. He’s going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking, I know what I’m talking about.And I also know all you single dads and soccer moms who think you’re such fucking heroes aren’t going to like this but somebody’s got to tell you for your own good; your children are overrated and overvalued, you’ve turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and it’s not healthy. And don’t give me that weak shit, “Well, I love my children!”; Fuck you. Everybody loves their chidren, it doesn’t make you special. John Wayne Gacey loved his children; kept them all right out in the yard near the garage. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is this constant mindless yammering in the media; this neurotic fixation that somehow everything, everything, has to be revolved around children. It’s completely out of balance.”
I personally don’t want to have children. I have no problem with people who do, as long as they are responsible parents. What I dislike is people telling me that I will have children or that I will change my mind about it, or that it would be selfish of me not to give my husband children (Eddie’s as childfree as I am, thankfully). The interesting thing is that 80% of the time, the people saying these things to me are men. Imagine that! Because they’re obviously so knowledgeable about the subject.
Their main reasoning behind it is this: the infamous “biological clock.” Apparently, every woman at some point in their lives gets a desire to have children, caused by hormones, and apparently it’s also impossible to fight this. I personally believe this is somewhat of a misconception. Perhaps the biological clock does start ticking. However, this does not mean that you in any way have to succumb to your hormones. Just like you don’t have to fuck the hot guy at the party, because you have no contraception and you know it’d be a bad idea. Your hormones might be telling you GO!!!, but that magical little device, your brain tells you to think again. I should hope that in this day and age, where as human beings with the ability to make conscious decisions, we can ‘override’ these little hormonal blips and really try to think sensibly when the biological clock starts ticking.
Also, could it be that some women are not born with maternal instincts? “Surely not!” the religious fundamentalists cry. All women are born to be mothers.
I don’t feel any less feminine because I choose not to have children. My point basically is that women do not have to be mothers. There is no fundamental law saying that it should be so, despite what your cock-eyed religion might try to tell you by making contraception ’sinful’ (I mean seriously, what century are we in, kids?)
I’m not childfree to piss you off. You, your kids, your nieces, nephews, siblings, and cousins - weighed into my decision NOT AT ALL. My choice to not have kids is not to be taken as a personal affront to your choice to have them. It’s just a choice that I made. What were your reasons for having kids? You like them? You couldn’t see your life without them? The condom broke? That’s your choice, and I respect that, and I would expect that you would respect my choice not to have them.
I’m not childfree because I want to put all the children of the world into a bag and drown them in the Arctic Ocean. I don’t care if there are children in the world. I don’t care if I come across them in my daily life. I just don’t want any of my own.
I’m not childfree because I want to make it illegal for you to have children. I don’t want to sterilize you, or get you fired, or take away your welfare, or otherwise compel you to not have children. Have all you want, just don’t expect me to start popping them out.
I’m not childfree because I hate people with children. Disliking whining and temper tantrums is not the sole terrain of the childfree.
I’m not childfree because my mother was a self-centered bitch, nor because my step mother was a plain old vanilla bitch, nor because I aided in the raising of my youngest siblings; I’m not rebelling against stupid parents. My mother cared a great deal about our welfare and was very involved in our lives. I didn’t raise my younger sister other than the occasional night of babysitting when I got older.
I’m not childfree because I’m extraordinarily selfish. My desire to live a life without kids is nearly identical to the desire you have to live yours with them. You are no less selfish than I am. In fact, if you ask most parents why they have children, you’ll get answers of “I want to carry on the family name,” or “We have good genes,” and “So we have someone to take care of us when we grow old.” Hmm… those seem to be some pretty selfish reasons to have a child, don’t you think? I’m selfish because I don’t like to spend money on things that I can’t use, like diapers and formula and cute little outfits from Baby Gap.
I’m not childfree because I’m not yet 25, or 30, or 35, or 36, 37, 38, or 40. It’s not a phase that I will grow out of, it’s not a passing mood that hormones will overthrow. I’ve been saying that I don’t intend on having children since I was 8 years old. As of this writing, that’s 20 years of being set in this decision.
I’m not childfree because I wish for you and your offspring to hole up in your home until they reach a respectable age.
I’m not childfree because I hated my childhood, or all of my childhood friends, or all of the other people my age. I had an average childhood, wasn’t touched by an uncle,neighbor, or babysitter, and got good grades in school. I had enough friends to amuse myself, but I didn’t require that I be surrounded by them to be happy.
I’m not childfree because I can’t find someone crazy enough to fuck me. On the contrary - my husband is as childfree as I am and we fuck on a regular basis.
I’m not childfree because I would make a bad parent. You might think I would, but I rather adore my philosophies of childrearing.
I am childfree, and quite happy to remain that way. I feel comfortable and confident in my decision, and ultimately quite fulfilled. Do you have the same confidence in your decision to raise a child?
(By the way, this is not to bash anyone who is a mother… genuine women who love their children and are respectful of other people’s choices are certainly not my enemy. Indeed, I have a lot of respect for those people. It’s the ones who stare at me slack-jawed when I say I don’t want children of my own, or who try to convince me that I’m wrong, who this is aimed at. Horses for courses, as they say.)
