Said She

After a week and a half of no Lexapro, I’ve discovered something has returned that I was unaware was even lost - my inner monologue is back. That little voice in my head that has been quiet for a year now has started piping up more and more, usually finishing up sentences for me with sarcastic quips. And she’s mean… oh god, I don’t remember her being this mean before.

To alleviate any concerns, no, this isn’t like one of those voices that tells people to do things, nor am I receiving encoded secret messages from the kitchen appliances about government conspiracies. It’s just… my mind won’t shut off and I find myself catching my tongue to avoid a biting comment. Sometimes I don’t catch myself in time, and I’m worried that I’m going to say something really mean for no good reason.

Somehow I don’t think that this weekend is going to be very good here at home.

I’m battling a cough that tends to show up just as we get comfortable in bed or on the couch or, even worse, in the middle of the night. The night before last, Eddie went out and slept on the couch because I wouldn’t stop, and so last night I went out and slept in the living room at the first sign of coughing. He gets annoyed about this (or so I’m made to feel anyway). I feel like I’m fucked either way, because regardless of which one of us sleeps out in the living room, one of us is going to be pissed off; he’s pissed because I can’t just turn the coughing off and nothing helps it, I’m pissed because I don’t feel like he should have to sleep on the couch because of my problems, not to mention the fact that he’s a foot taller than me and it isn’t entirely comfortable out here.

Eddie doesn’t feel good today, which means that he’s snarky at me for no good reason whatsoever. I’m off my meds and trying to adjust to actually responding rationally to him being bitchy towards me, thus I snark right back at him (even if I think I had every right to do so). I’m not tired, and he is, so I’m essentially alone while he sleeps, having to keep quiet so as not to wake him up out here.

We’re fighting over the iPod because I have maybe 15 CDs that I really like compared to his 300 or so in the cases, and he doesn’t seem to like anything that I want to put on it, but I lost 3gb of MP3s during the move last summer when my external drive died, so none of my music is really getting put on it unless I want to download all of my stuff all over again and import it all over again. And yet I’m told, “Can you at least put some music on it that I like too?” I’m sorry, but aside from experimenting with importing some FFXI MP3s (which I deleted afterward), it’s all stuff he likes, because it’s all his CDs that I’m importing. His Tenacious D, his Tragically Hip anthology, his Spice Girls, Bif Naked and Brittany Spears… there’s maybe 2-3 songs on each CD that I actually like enough to listen to.

And this is all petty shit, I realize, but it’s my petty shit, and if I want to sulk about it, then I will.