I haven’t been in the greatest of moods lately. I chalk it up to PMS and the seeing the horrible, naked (literally) truth about Nanny’s condition this week. Wednesday I drove down in the afternoon to take her for a chest x-ray and got to see exactly what’s happened to her over the past couple of months. She can’t walk more than a few steps at a time; I honestly have no idea how she makes it up the stairs to my mother’s half of the house on a daily basis. We used the wheelchair to get her from inside the house to the truck. It took all her energy to change into the smock for the x-ray, and when she was getting dressed again she decided that her bra was just too much effort to put back on. She’d put off getting the x-ray for some time now, because it can confirm just how bad the cancer is; no one wants to know that they’ve got a chestful of cancerous cells in addition to the ones in her bone, breast, colon, liver, and lymph nodes.

I can’t stand to see her like this. Her skin just literally hangs from her, and between the chemo and the cancer itself she’s being eaten alive inside. It hurts to see her struggle for every step, or to see her eat nothing but a few bites of salad and a couple of pieces of meat for dinner. I absolutely hate seeing her in pain like this.

On a lighter note, because if I keep writing like this I’ll be crying all day, Eddie and I have started looking at apartments. We’re hoping to move out ASAP because I just can’t stand living in a place where I’ve conditioned myself to tiptoe through the house in order to mask my presense and lessen the chances that the landlord will find some reason to come down and ask questions. Eddie’s calling on a couple of places today, and I’m calling on a couple if I can ever find the phone numbers.

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