State of the Childfree Address
Robin recently made a post about how according to the fine folks over here, us childfree people are “stunted souls”. Hmm. I was unaware that the fact that I choose not to have children - and yes, having children is a choice, not a requirement in life - had any bearing on my soul. I thought that I was just being smart enough to know better than to do that to myself and any child I gave birth to.
But let’s go back to the beginning and find out exactly why I’m childfree, shall we?
Back in either 1999 or 2000, when I was still living in Warwick with Chris, my period decided to show up a record 20 days late. To be honest, after the first year or so we never really played it safe when it came to sex; he (and the other 2 guys before him) was a virgin and inexperienced when we first got together, so it was a pretty good assumption that the two of us were STD-free, and we relied on him pulling out almost exclusively as birth control. Not the smartest thing in the world I’ve ever done, eh? Up until that point where I had to sit down and tell him I was late that month, we’d never really discussed the topic of what we’d do in the event of an “accident”. I knew that he wanted kids eventually, and I was of the belief that I’d have them at some point because that’s what you did: married, settled down, had a kid or 3, etc. But there was a time during those 20 days when I was looking through my Livejournal to find out when I last mentioned having cramps or being completely PMS-bitchy when it hit me that I didn’t want to have a child. I didn’t want to have one then, and I was pretty certain that I didn’t want one ever.
It wasn’t just a matter of not being ready for a child in my early 20’s. It was the knowledge that I would probably never be able to adequately care for a child. I was working for the bank, nights, for about $10/hour, rarely saw Chris because he was working days, and ate one meal a day. We had a couple of cats and a fridge stocked full of beer, and a house messier than what Eddie and I are in right now. That wasn’t a life that I wanted to bring a child into. Sure, I know that a lot of people will say that things change when you have a kid, and that even those who may not want kids change their mind when they turn up pregnant, but there’s no guarantee that I’d change, and so rather than have kids and hope to change for the better, I made the decision not to have them. I’d rather be irresponsible in my life the way we are now than attempt to be the responsible parent, fail, and resent my kids.
It wasn’t until 2001 that I discovered that there’s a name for people who choose not to have kids - childfree. Granted, my knowledge of other childfree people at the time was limited to perhaps the worst example of the lifestyle: the CF community over on Livejournal, largely known for its drama and wank. Over time I’ve found other people with the same childfree outlook, and we all seem to have the same problem of being scorned for our choice not to have kids. We’re considered selfish, self-centered, child-hating people, and told we’re wrong.
I’m not childfree to piss you off. You, your kids, your nieces, nephews, siblings, and cousins - weighed into my decision NOT AT ALL. My choice to not have kids is not to be taken as a personal affront to your choice to have them. It’s just a choice that I made. What were your reasons for having kids? You like them? You couldn’t see your life without them? The condom broke? That’s your choice, and I respect that, and I would expect that you would respect my choice not to have them. I’m not childfree because I want to put all the children of the world into a bag and drown them in the Arctic Ocean. I don’t care if there are children in the world. I don’t care if I come across them in my daily life. I just don’t want any of my own.
I’m not childfree because I want to make it illegal for you to have children. I don’t want to sterilize you, or get you fired, or take away your welfare, or otherwise compel you to not have children. Have all you want, just don’t expect me to start popping them out. I’m not childfree because I hate people with children. Disliking whining and temper tantrums is not the sole terrain of the childfree.
I’m not childfree because my mother was a self-centered bitch, nor because my step mother was a plain old vanilla bitch, nor because I aided in the raising of my youngest siblings; I’m not rebelling against stupid parents. My mother cared a great deal about our welfare and was very involved in our lives. I didn’t raise my younger sister other than the occasional night of babysitting when I got older.
I’m not childfree because I’m extraordinarily selfish. My desire to live a life without kids is nearly identical to the desire you have to live yours with them. You are no less selfish than I am. In fact, if you ask most parents why they have children, you’ll get answers of “I want to carry on the family name,†or “We have good genes,†and “So we have someone to take care of us when we grow old.†Hmm… those seem to be some pretty selfish reasons to have a child, don’t you think? I’m selfish because I don’t like to spend money on things that I can’t use, like diapers and formula and cute little outfits from Baby Gap.
I’m not childfree because I hated my childhood, or all of my childhood friends, or all of the other people my age. I had an average childhood, wasn’t touched by an uncle,neighbor, or babysitter, and got good grades in school. I had enough friends to amuse myself, but I didn’t require that I be surrounded by them to be happy. And I’m not childfree because I can’t find someone crazy enough to fuck me. On the contrary - my husband is as childfree as I am and we fuck on a regular basis.
That brings us to this point. I was the only one in my class who didn’t have kids when I was in school recently. I’m the only one at work who doesn’t have kids. Only recently have the “when are you giving him some babies?” comments stopped when I tell people how long Eddie and I have been together. My younger sister has said that she’s unsure whether or not she’ll have any, and if she doesn’t want them then I’ll support that decision, regardless of how good a parent I think she’d be. I don’t mind kids, and I happen to think most baby toys and clothes are adorable, but that doesn’t mean that I need to have one to enjoy looking at these things. I’ll be turning 30 next year, and I expect that I’ll be getting the “biological clock” arguments soon. I should be getting my medical coverage soon, and one of the first things I’m looking into doing is getting sterilized, or at least an IUD if the doctors put up a fight. I am childfree, and quite happy to remain that way. I feel comfortable and confident in my decision, and ultimately quite fulfilled. Do you have the same confidence in your decision to raise a child?
Note: bits of this were things saved from the CF community - back when it was still a good place to be CF
Tags: babies, birth_control, childfree, childfree_people, children, kids, rant, rants, rants, school, sex
July 7th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
That was thoroughly enjoyable to read and I believe I found your blog because of something about being childfree on it. I really commend you on your decision and I am so thankful it’s becoming more recognized because for a long time I just thought there was something wrong with me. I always wondered “why don’t I like babies?†and “what is wrong with me that I don’t want to have children of my own?†but now I feel ok with my decision even if it isn’t 100%.
July 9th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
While it is being more recognized, it’s still a looooong way from being an acceptable choice for some people to understand. I still get very mixed reactions from people when they find out that we don’t plan on having kids, and naturally most of the people who question our decision are those who know us the least or are complete strangers, as though it’s any of their business to begin with.
July 9th, 2006 at 5:04 pm
I find religion is also a big part of it and they use that as they’re explaination. God created us and we’re meant to have children or whatever. Sorry, that’s not a good enough explanation for me.
July 9th, 2006 at 5:07 pm
Yeah, I get that a lot when I chat with people online. My other favorite reasons for having kids is “why else would you get married?” and “you must not love your husband very much if you’re not going to have his children.”
July 9th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
I do like babies…in fact, I’m a baby nut. I am not, however, very fond of children.
I didn’t want to have kids because….I didn’t want to have kids.
Despite the fact that the miscarriage tore me up, I’ve never regretted not having children.
Yes, I do think about that potiental baby and it does make me sad. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to have an abortion but changed my mind and I was happy about it.
It didn’t work out and I am totally ok with that. No regrets at all.
Plus, I am not even a little about more people in this world…we got plenty, kthanxbye.
July 10th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
What a great post! It’s made me think.
I think the most realistic thing you learn when you have a child is that your life isn’t going to end when you die. It seems egotistical, but it is a very human feeling. Your mother and father will pass away, your siblings and friends and relatives won’t love you or love the idea of you and the memory of you like your own child will.
Knowing this, or something akin to this, in turn, makes you a better person, or at least to strive to be a better person.
And ultimately, I think you could only make that decision after you know both worlds. I know what it’s like to be child-free (don’t we all?) and now I know what it’s like to have child, too. Now I’m in a real position to make the decision because I know what both worlds are like (I’m not just guessing or imagining what it would be like).
But of course it’s a potential catch-22 situation for everyone.
July 10th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
@flic - I’m sorry, but I don’t need the love of another human being to magically turn me into a better person or strive to be one, especially a human being that is not guaranteed to love me as much as you seem to think that it will. Nothing in life is a sure bet.
Nor do I need to experience both worlds to make the decision not to have children. I don’t need to set myself aflame in order to know that I won’t enjoy it, why would I need to bear children to know whether or not the decision to have them is the right one for me? That’s not fair to anyone involved; I’d much rather live to be 100 and regret not having children, affecting only myself than to live to the same age and regret that I did, because then I’m affecting more than just myself.
As for whether or not we all have experience being childfree, that’s untrue; not everyone without children is childfree. Those who just haven’t had children yet but are fence-sitters or plan on having them eventually are childless, while those of us who are nulliparous without regret and/or by choice childfree, and in our opinions our lives aren’t missing anything because of it.
July 11th, 2006 at 5:31 am
Crystal-
You said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t need the love of another human being to magically turn me into a better person or strive to be one, especially a human being that is not guaranteed to love me as much as you seem to think that it will.”
Don’t forget though, apart from being their own person of course, your child is a part of you and an actual extension of yourself.
So it is really a matter of you loving yourself, after all. As it would be if you’re childfree, as well.
Also,
You said, “I don’t need to set myself aflame in order to know that I won’t enjoy it, why would I need to bear children to know whether or not the decision to have them is the right one for me?”
That’s the catch-22 I was referring to.
But you do. Let’s say that your conscious decision to be childfree is really just you having convinced yourself and everyone around you that you have chosen to be childfree. It may be, because this is only a “now” in a particular moment in time. And like you said yourself, “Nothing in life is a sure bet.”
Now let’s say, and this happens all the time, that for some unknown unforseen reason in the future you begin to say to yourself and others around you that you do want to have a child aftger all. And I’m not saying this happens so quickly so as to seem like a mere matter of lifestyle change. But this happens over a very very long period of time, over many years…
My point is, you may be sitting on the fence and not even know it.
July 11th, 2006 at 8:13 am
Flic -
So what you’re saying is that having a child for the selfish reason of simply spreading my genes is reason enough to bring an unwanted child into this world? My genes are one reason why I’m not having kids in the first place; my family is completely fucked up in regards to physical and mental health, and it’s not something that I’d want to spread around. I don’t need a Crystal-clone to be able to love myself, I love myself just fine as it is.
As for your catch 22, you seem to be yet another one of those people who assumes that while I’m pushing 30 years old and have been saying that I’m not going to have a child for the last 21 years, I’m unable to make this decision for myself. I’ve experienced children. I grew up in a large family where some aunt was always having kid, and even then I knew that having one is not the right decision for me. You assume that you know me more than I know myself, and that you’re qualified to make decisions for me, since I’m obviously not able to make this one for myself.
Are you going to be the one to take care of it when - not if, that’s when - I decide that motherhood is not for me? Are you going to be the one to pay the bills involved with this undesired child? Somehow I doubt that you, or any of your pro-birth friends, are going to swoop down into my house the moment I start yelling “Calgon, take me away!” and take my baby away.
Personally, I know that with my temper I would be a prime candidate for killing my child, either through neglect or violence. What you’re essentially telling me - and every other women who feels the same way as I do - is that you’d rather have us bring a new life into this world on the chance that we might enjoy it.
July 11th, 2006 at 8:27 am
I don’t see it as a matter of not knowing something until you do it (that’s how life is) it’s a matter of following your gut instinct. What feels right deep inside? I’ve reached down deep inside (and still do all the time) considering the whole concept. Believe me I don’t want to miss out on something for the wrong reason but I also dont’ want to take such a HUGE step unless it feels right. My therapist once said to me “if you wait to have children when you’re ready then you’ll never have children” but I’m not ready to throw my entire life in the air because everyone says I’ll be glad to do it. I’m sure I’d love my child but I know MANY have not loved being a parent and would not do it again.
I feel everything happens for a reason, right now I’m not meant to have a child in my life.
July 11th, 2006 at 9:53 am
Very nicely said. I hope my kids make such thoughtful decisions about their lives & what is right for *them*, too!
July 11th, 2006 at 12:04 pm
Crystal-
You said, “My genes are one reason why I’m not having kids in the first place; my family is completely fucked up in regards to physical and mental health, and it’s not something that I’d want to spread around.”
I didn’t realize that. I was thinking it might be something like that, but then I reread your post and saw that your decision seemed to be based on material concerns, sheer will-power, principles, and concerns about society (in this case going against it, not with it — but either way, society is still playing a part in your decision).
I hear what you’re saying, though. I mean, yea, what you see around us as far as people and family in this world: it’s enough to turn anybody off.
And I have to ultimately agree with what Robin said in her comment, “it’s a matter of following your gut instinct.”
But remember, neurology and psychology will always play a part in that instinct. I by no means am being presumptious enough to imply making a decision for you. (For crying out loud, if you’re 30, I’m only a few years older than you). I’m just saying, don’t be so stern. Be a little more open-minded. Maybe allow things to happen (or not) on their own, rather than trying to control/micro-manage your life (and future) so much. It actually seems the same as the woman who has her life plan down to a tee: marriage, kids, house, etc. (Yours is just the opposite side of the same rigid coin).
On a lighter note: I’m wondering how you feel about the change in public sentiment (i.e. reflected in current pop culture), on how gun-ho everyone is on the idea of children and having children nowadays! I mean even celebrities, a group who have historically never publicized such talk!
I remember being a kid in the seventies, now that was a time when it was way uncool and unfashionable to have kids.
Yes, in the 1990’s the phrase “childfree” was coined (a little too late I think), but now in 2006 that word “childfree” comes across as somewhat old-fashioned and passe.
I also looked up if there was such a thing as a fear of childbirth. And as you might guess, there supposedly is: there’s apparently four different scientific terms: maleusiophobia, tacophobia, parturiphobia, and lockiophobia. I didn’t look into any of these, so I don’t know. But that is kind of weird, I mean, the next thing you know people who choose to be childfree will be diagnosed with an illness or a psychological problem!
And finally, again a gem from Robin’s comment, “everything happens for a reason.” I think that says it all.
July 11th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
It is a matter of instinct. That fabled maternal instict is something that I don’t have towards babies and children. Sure, I occasionally refer to Pickle as my furbaby, but I don’t consider my pets to be replacements for children and don’t treat them as such. My instinct, as well as my experience in the near-30 odd years I’ve been here on this planet, is to not breed. Aside from my work schedule, house, and the man in my life, nothing has changed in the 6 years since that pregnancy scare. At that point then, and now, my instinct in regards to having children is to not have them.
Sure, I can allow things to happen at will, and for the most part have been doing so all my life, and if you could take a walk in my shoes you’d see exactly how far away from controlling and micromanaging I really am. We suck at managing our money and keeping the house cleaned, but I’ll be damned if Eddie’s gonna go for a bareback ride anytime soon, and should I somehow wind up pregnant I’d be on the phone and scheduling an abortion before the pregnancy test even hit the bottom of the trash bin. Everything may happen for a reason as they say, but that doesn’t mean I can’t excersize some free will of my own.
July 11th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
I also looked up if there was such a thing as a fear of childbirth. And as you might guess, there supposedly is: there’s apparently four different scientific terms: maleusiophobia, tacophobia, parturiphobia, and lockiophobia. I didn’t look into any of these, so I don’t know. But that is kind of weird, I mean, the next thing you know people who choose to be childfree will be diagnosed with an illness or a psychological problem!
I beg to differ, I’m not afriad of tacos.
July 11th, 2006 at 3:59 pm
“if you wait to have children when you’re ready then you’ll never have childrenâ€
I don’t GET this idea - this only means AYHTING if it is said to a person who really really wants kids and even then it doesn’t make sense. I mean - *gasp* I really shouldn’t wait - I really do need to put my concerns aside and get on having kids that I don’t want or I may NEVER have kids I don’t want!”
And even if you want kids *someday*, that is no reason to start having them when the time is not right.
If you would really *never* have them, maybe that is your life, or your *real* heart telling you something about what is *really* right for you.
July 11th, 2006 at 4:05 pm
And that ‘you might always change your mind’, ‘you can’t really know your own mind’ stuff-
WHY WHY WHY do people think that it is perfectly OK to bombard a childfree person with this, but would think that it would be beyond-the-pale rude to say things like that to a young couple who were trying to concieve, or to a pregnant woman.
July 11th, 2006 at 4:22 pm
Crystal-
You said, “It is a matter of instinct…” and “…that doesn’t mean I can’t excersize some free will of my own.”
But I think you missed this part, “But remember, neurology and psychology will always play a part in that instinct.”
And of course, any choice that you make will be free-will. Whether someone chooses to have a child or chooses to not have a child, both are examples of practicing free-will. The real question is WHY is someone making the particular choice they’re making. Neurologically and pyschologically speaking.
That’s all I’m saying. Just make sure you’re not being jipped somehow somewhere.
Eddie-
You said, “I beg to differ. I’m not afriad of tacos.”
Then you should get a job at TACO BELL and start earning some money, so you and your wife aren’t in such a tight position. Just kidding.
But seriously, what do you think of this? Do you feel EXACTLY the same way as Crystal does? Where are coming from with this whole idea? Are you just following along? And you don’t think you’ll EVER change your mind in the future?
(I mean if you already have kids, or you can’t produce, then I understand. But otherwise, why are you doing this? For fun, philosophy, boredom, rebellion, free-will, etc.?)
July 11th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
what I wrote to Betsy’s Blog:
“those married couples who freely could bear or adopt and care for children but permanently choose never to do so are behaving in a way that is, well, selfish.â€
I could have kids, until I got my Essure. I made the decision not to have kids around the age of 13, and have not regretted that choice at any time. I have committed myself to leaving the world a better place. In addition to NOT having kids (which would raise the population levels and increase our consumption of resources) I have been planning out various ways of teaching kids and living off the land, of areas I would be interested in serving the communities I live in, be it via volunteering, running for office, or opening a new storefront.
Do not try and tell me, convince me, or lambast me into having kids. Do not try and convince me that I am selfish, when I have witnessed the selfish nature of far too many parents when working with their kids.
Selfishness is not determined by the number of kids, but by the content of one’s lifespan.
Judge not lest ye be judged.
Please confine your objections to the individuals you meet, rather lecture irrationally based on prejudice against a large segment of society.
thank you.
July 11th, 2006 at 6:06 pm
I agree with Crystal, I really dislike children. I can barely remember to feed myself let alone a child.
I’m not responisble enough to have kids. I’ve never really wanted to have kids. My parents are ok with this, her parents are ok with this, why can’t a complete stranger be ok with this?
July 11th, 2006 at 6:08 pm
oh by the way, i have a job. I am earning money.
July 11th, 2006 at 11:27 pm
I didn’t want children right up until I was with Mark (my husband) for three years. then i sorta developed this need to have a child. And i can’t explain it, much like i can not explain why that changed, or why i didn’t want one before that. but still.
Then I was told i couldn’t have kids, and wanted one even more. so we tried, and tried, and TRIED until sex was just what you had for breakfast.. and you wish you could skip breakfast. seriously not good.
Then outta the bue we got pregnant. and we were so not expecting it.. not at all. we were told, there was no way, no how that it would happen. so we were the least expectant of people to handle this news.
But it was from the jaw dropping insanity, to sheer bliss that we got to have a baby.. and that is something i think of when someone says they do not want children.
I guess, i have been exactly where you are. And I don’t understand what changed … so if I ever ask you it is out of pure curiosity. Since I changed my mind, as you may or may not as well.
But i have never htought that if you didn’t want children that you were ay less a human than I. infact i think it is great that if you think you wouldn’t be suited for a life of motherly advice and teaching.. that it is beter you do not have kids. Makes sense to me.
okay.. babbling now. have a good’er!
July 12th, 2006 at 5:33 am
This was a very excellent post and I will certainly be keeping these arguments in mind when next I am bingoed. I’m 24 and married for 2 years…as you can imagine the influx of ‘when are you going to have kids’ is beginning. If I were to give the one-word answer of ’soon’, that would be enough. But if I were to give a one-word answer of ‘never’, the interrogation, or worse, glib dimissal, starts.
Having children is infinitely a more monumental decision than not having children - why don’t we feel the need to question that instead?
July 12th, 2006 at 5:57 am
Eddie & Crystal-
You said, “oh by the way, i have a job. I am earning money.”
Then I should have said, “Then you should get an extra job at TACO BELL and start earning some more money, so you and your wife aren’t in such a tight position.
But that’s beside the point.
I wanted to commend you, Eddie, on your honest and sensible answer to my question, rather than hiding behind some grandiose principles!
Offline, my wife and I and one 4 year-old son have many friends who are married and have kids; we also have many friends who are married and have no kids because they can’t, and some that don’t want to, and some that just haven’t had yet; and we have friends who are single with their occasional boyfriend or girlfriend; and we have a lot of friends who are plain old single; and some friends who have kids but aren’t married; and we have a few friends who are gay and lesbian.
We (the friends mentioned above) have conversations about all kinds of things and do things together and know all different things about each other through our mutual friendships.
This here in your blog was my chance to explore even more into one of the many, many subjects that interest me. And I want to thank the both of you for allowing me to engage in this present conversation with you.It was quite fascinating.
All the best to the both of you,
and good luck in everything you do!
Cheers!
July 12th, 2006 at 5:05 pm
Not having children whom I have no desire to have-because I do not want them, do not have a drive to have them, do not have a lifestyle, job, position, etc that they would fit into is no more selfish than deciding not to get a big dog or not to raise horses for the same reason, or deciding to go to a certain college over another because it would suit my aims, personality and life better.
Such decisions are ’self-interested’ - one does make major lifestyle choices in regard to how best they would suit oneself - not because someone else tells you that you should.
After all, would someone actually tell you that you are’selfish’ for choosing to go to a certain college and deciding not to get a ST.Bernard because of your own interests?