I’ve revised my Christmas list. I’ve given things a lot of thought, and this is simply a list of things that I’d like to have but don’t stand a chance in hell of getting. So here we are, in no particular order:

1. I’d like to make it through at least one year where one of my relatives doesn’t end up in the hospital or get cancer or end up sicker than they already are. (Backstory: We show up at Mom’s this afternoon just in time to see her and Nanny off to the ER because Nanny thinks she’s got another blood clot in her leg. She’s home, 8 hours later, but merry fucking Christmas, eh?)
2. I’d like to have my father back. I could care less if my step-mother thinks I’m an ungrateful little heathen and won’t speak to me, but I’d like my father to at least acknowledge that he has 2 daughters, not one. Every fucking year I buy or make a present for him, even though he refuses to acknowledge my existance. Every year I say “I’m not going to put myself through this anymore,” and every year I do it anyway, because I refuse to lower myself to his level and be like that.
3. I’d like the rest of my family to stop being assholes to each other. Not a year goes by where at least one uncle isn’t talking to the others. You know what? It’s time to grow the fuck up, people. You’re all in your40’s, stop acting like 3rd graders ganging up and picking on the retarded kid on the bus. Keep acting like this and you know what’s going to happen? Sooner or later those quasi-jokes about only getting together at weddings and funerals are going to be this unwritten law in the family, and even those gatherings are going to end up where one part of the family sits on one side of the room and talks shit about the other. Oh wait, what am I saying, that already happens. Silly me for thinking that the family that I remember having a giant tree and a huge Christmas Eve gathering could ever be that way now. That sort of behavior is so 1984.
4. I’d like to be able to manage our money better so that next Christmas doesn’t suck as much as this one has. It’s not a matter of having enough money to know that I’m getting something as a gift. It’s a matter of being able to actually make sure that people get presents. I’d like a year to go by where we’re not scrambling all through December to save enough money so that I can buy another ball of yarn to finish an afghan or have to decide whether or not I want to eat lunch or use that $5 to put towards the sneakers that Eddie wants. As sad and disgusting as it is to think this way, I’m happy that one of my uncles isn’t going to Mom’s tomorrow. Why? Because that’s one less gift that I don’t need to worry about getting or making. And that makes me feel like a complete and total ass.
5. I want to either get a handle on this fucking paranoia/anxiety or get the fuck out of this house, preferably the latter because if we move then I won’t have a paranoia/anxiety problem anymore. Plus, we’ll be closer to Mom’s house and Eddie’s work, and be in a place where I won’t need to worry constantly that Pickle will be spotted in a window.

And that, my fine friends, is what I want for Christmas. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t need to worry about this sort of shit, but since the world pretty much sucks lately, I get to make lists like this.

*sigh*

Merry Christmas, folks. Enjoy your familes, and hopefully they won’t end up like mine.

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