Said She

Eddie pointed out this Ebay auction linked on Fark. A guy from the future posted an auction to let us know what it is like in the year 2146 and to allow the high bidder to submit a line for his hugely popular future screenplay. I’m posting the majority of it here for posterity…

I am from the future. I am writing to you from a temporary fold in space, binding the Internet (or what we call, the Sexnet) in 2146 to 2005. Only electricity can travel through the fold.

Let me tell you about the future.
1. 9 Alarm Chili cook-offs killed off 27% of America’s South.
2. Global warming was fixed by blasting the Earth 2 miles further from the Sun. We now have a new month, Soltember.
3. An undiscovered Nuke underneath George W. Bush Stadium in Iraq detonates. The stadium is unperturbed as explosions are easily stopped instantly.
4. George Lucas’ great great grandson buys Saturn’s moon Mimas and turns it into a Deathstar/Amusement park.
5. I am middle-aged at 82.
6. All religions unite into a Buddist sect of Christoathiest Judaism
7. Celebrities are replaced by robots. Just kidding, we don’t have celebrities.
8. We visited Proxima Centauri, the hottest star near us. We weren’t on the guest-list and long story short, didn’t visit with enough Earth-women.
9. Google starts WWIII. Their war cry, “I’m feeling lucky.”
10. Teleportation frees our lives from waiting. We sleep 18 hours a day to kill the extra time.
11. We’ve grown gills. It makes for kinkier sex.
12. The number Thirteen was removed from life.
14. We have a President of the World. He is a Cephalopod named Bruce. Eating calamari is punishable by death.
15. Vegetarians are horrified to learn that not only do vegetables have feelings, but they also write incredible poetry.

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