Said She

Disclaimer

I write about everything. If you don't like it, if it's too personal, if you don't want to hear it, if it offends you, if it's about you, I don't care.

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

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Posted on 12 September 2002
Tags: life, whiney bitch

I don’t know how we’re going to afford to keep ahead of things for the next 2-3 months. Rent takes up a solid paycheck. The next paycheck usually goes for bills, food, etc. At this point, we’ve got the following additional crap to pay for:

Eddie’s INS paperwork.
Car registration
Car insurance
getting the car out of the tow yard

Needless to say, we are simply shovelling shit against the tide here. I noticed this morning that the depression seems to be creeping back. Not like the full-blown, suicidal wreck I was 3 years ago, but I can feel it steadily creeping back in, sort of like the black shadows you think you see in your peripheral vision while watching a creepy movie. I attribute it to the stress of the past couple of weeks, being on such an amazingly shoestring budget, worrying about how we’re going to be able to make it to the next paycheck, since it seems that as soon as we get money we lose it.

I want to just lose myself in some webdesign for about 3 weeks; thoughtless work that will keep my mind off of the real world for a little while. I look at some people who claim to be web designers, and laugh at the way that their tables don’t match up, or the scripts don’t work, stuff that obviously should be alligned isn’t…. I’m harsh and critical….I’ve been restraining myself a lot lately. I stop myself from curling up under the covers and ignoring Eddie. I know he worries about me, and I don’t want to freak him out.