At this very moment, he’s flying somewhere over Alberta, I think. I mean, I’ll assume that’s where he’s flying over, since he said the flight was only going to be about 90 minutes, and it’s been just about 45 right now.

And, just as the subject line puts it, there’s no turning back now.

Chafe just asked if I was nervous. I’m beyond nervous right now. I’m scared shitless. I mean, here I am, living on my own for the first time ever, out of a long-term relationship that ended on such a bad note (for me) that I can barely think about it without getting totally upset, and I can’t help but woner if I’m just setting myself up again. I can’t help but wonder if I’m bringing him down here, only to have him grow tired of me and my personal issues after a year or so, just like it happened before. 99.999% of me knows that I love Eddie with all my heart and that we’re doing this out of love, but there’s that miniscule part of me that just knows I’m going to fuck things up again, and I don’t want that to happen.

I was watching tv in the living room tonight, and I was thinking about how this is it - the moment that Ed and I have been waiting for since he proposed to me in May. This is the moment where we make the move from online lovers in a long distance relationship, to real world lovers in real time. When we fight, there’s no way to just turn off the monitor and walk into another room. There’s no way for either of us to hang up the phone and call back when we’ve calmed down. From the moment he stepped on that plane in Yellowknife and took off for Edmonton, that’s where his life our lives changed. Is it a change for the better? For worse? So many thoughts running though my mind all at once….

Will he like it here? Will we be able to get the INS paperwork filled out and mailed in without too many problems?

What will my parents think when they find out he’s staying? When they find out we’re getting married?

And then, oh lord, this is just wonderful, I have no fucking food in my house. Isn’t that just wonderful? I don’t have anything but hamburger helper stuff, cake mixes, pudding, and jello. Why? you ask? Because I still have no damned fridge, so I’ve been living on pizza, breadsticks, Taco Bell, and whatever I manage to eat at work. What a terribly unhealthy way to live, but hell, until I can mange to arrange a suitable time for my father or mother to bring my fridge here, I’ve got to do without. Oh yes, my parents, how could I forget them? It’ll be interesting to find out what they think of all of this, right? I mean, it was difficult enough to sit there at my father’s kitchen table with Chris while my father told me flat out that he was not going to ever support the two of us and what we’d done. and when we lost our jobs 9 months later, he told me that if I ever needed a place to stay that I was more than welcome, but Chris was not going to be welcome there. Now whether or not this was just typical daddy-ness, not wanting to admit that his little girl gets screwed on a regular basis, or whether he just didn’t like Chris, we might never know, because we all know how that ended, don’t we? Oh yes, the massive crash and burn. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a situation in my life that could ever be compared to a festering boil in an unreachable place, but if I had to describe the last 2 years of my relationship, that’s how it could be summed up - festering..

And now, here I am, spending what could very well be called the last empty night of my life, if everything goes as we’ve planned. How does this make me feel? Petrified. I don’t think that was the feeling that I was expecting to feel when I bought the tickets 3 weeks ago. I’d love to be able to go outside and ask the night, What am I so afraid of? but that probably wouldn’t be the best thing to do, considering that my landlord would like to get some sleep, I think. And the night won’t answer me anyway, because what does the night know, right?

Maybe it’s just the fear of the unknown that’s scaring me again. Maybe you haven’t noticed this, but I don’t like change. I like things to be steady, constant, rhythmic, routine… in my life, I wake up, hit the bathroom, talk to Eddie online for an hour or so, shower, go to work (where I email Eddie all evening), come home, chat with Eddie on the phone and online, and sleep. Now, in the course of a weekend, I’ve eliminated half of those acts. I think one of my biggest fears is that when he gets here, we’ll have no idea what to do with ourselves once the thrill of being able to spontaneously have sex wears off. Plus, and lemme tell you folks, this is classic, I got my period today so all my wonderful plans for new years eve sex have effectively been shot right out of the water. ARGH!I so should not be rambling like this. I should take some more nyquil, take some sinus meds, and go to bed.

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