Venting - again.
Hmm…. what to write, what to write….Oh.
I talked with Cris last night for about an hour. He’s got such a yummy voice. We discussed when I’m coming downt here to visit, and how long I’ll be there, etc, etc. So right now, the gameplan is that I’m going down there for the last week of April, providing that I can get that week off. That will give me a few months to stash the money for the airfare, lose a few pounds, and save some spending money (he’s paying for the room). Another thing that we were talking about is how volitile this relationship with Chris is. Sometimes I think it’s a blessing in disguise that our conflicting work schedules don’t allow us to see each other as often as we usually would. When we don’t see each other, we seem to be happier than when we’re in each other’s faces. I know that when we first moved into the city I was a bit nervous about the whole idea of having two bedrooms. I don’t mind that idea so much right now, in fact, I think we’d probabaly be better off with separate beds, not just rooms (although that will place an enormous damper on our sex life). The big issue I have right now is how I feel about the last 3, almost 4 years of my life. I look back and think of what’s gone on in that time frame…
…8 cats…
2 jobs for him, 3 for me…
numerous computers…
the death of 3 cars and the aquisition of 2 more…
3 Christmases (two of which we didn’t exchange gifts)…
celebrating his 21st birthday…
2 apartments…
I can’t say that it was all good, because it wasn’t. There were times when I wanted nothing more than to sleep in the car, and had it not been winter, I would have. I remember a night where I spent an hour or so in the rain, sitting on the stairs leading to the 2nd floor balconies, and just bawling my eyes out because I didn’t know what we were going to do, and asking myself if it was worth it all, or running away for hours at a time and hiding in the woods because he’d said something in anger or something that I took the wrong way and I got upset. We don’t even need to discuss how the holes got in the bedroom ceiling, or why the closet doors were smashed, or how the holes got in the bathroom door, or how the floor mop broke… He never laid a hand on me, which is a good thing. I’ve had guys do that before. Oddly enough, I don’t remember ever being as… vocal …about my anger as I have since he’s lived here. Maybe I haven’t had a reason to be as angry as I’ve gotten with him, but I certainly don’t remember ever hitting someone in anger before living with him, and I definitely never threw anything more substantial than a stuffed animal while in a fit of rage. Now, when I’m angry, anything that is not nailed down is fair game to be tossed across the room. I think out of all the personal changes I’ve gone through since we’ve been together, this is the one that worries me most.
Ok… so, have the past 3 years been a waste? Have I made any signifigant life changes? Good question. I’ve got a new car, something I never had before. I live on my own, pay my own bills, all that adult stuff. I’ve got a better job now. I’m more sexually adventurous, and I’ve definitely come out of my shell a bit. Would I miss what we have if it were gone? Probabaly. Some aspects of it I would definitely miss. I’d miss being able to wake up and roll over and curl up against someone in bed, or to be able to have someone wake me up with a kiss.
We fought again tonight. Last week, he and Mark went to the movies on Friday night, while I was at work. I got mad at him because we never go out together, and even though I’ve had every weekend off for the past 2 months, we have yet to do anything together, because he spends about 4 extra hours at work on the weekends, just fucking around with whoever is there. I knew he was a bit peeved that he couldn’t see the movie he wanted, so the other night I asked if he wanted to go out, and I got chewed out because “you can’t just make plans 5 minutes before you wanna leave.” Tonight, I ask if he wants to go out this weekend to see the movie he wanted to see, and he kinda mumbled, “Um… I guess we could go,” which kinda pissed me off, because he just did not seem thrilled with the idea of going out with me, and I told him so. So he got pissed too. I live with a butthole.
Tags: game, rants, sex
Leave a Reply