Said She

There is a story about this poem. One night, I was really bored, and terribly confused about what was going on in life. My boyfriend and I had split up about two weeks prior, and my ex was leading me on. In a fit of late-night netting, I was sick of annoying everyone online with my problems, so I grabbed a notebook and wrote this. I never thought that it would get as long as it did.
You call my name from the yard,
Your voice echoes through my head.
I peer at you through fragile pains -
You are bathed in silent moonlight gleaming.
Tell me again what you just said.
Is love one of life’s many stains?
I hear you, but your words carry no meaning.
I hear your cries, yet hear nothing.
I don’t think there’s anything here to gain.
I can hear you tell me of your dreaming
Of sunlit meadows and starlight…
Could you tell me if I’m wrong
To stay in here and ignore your screaming?
You shout your soul but I censor everything,
Your voice is carried away on windsong;
You toss hopes and dreams my way,
But I carelessly throw away these things -
You made me wait to long
And now there’s nothing left to say.

What can I do to make you understand
You’ve come back to a place where you don’t belong,
And I’m trying not to hear the words that you play,
Avoiding your lures of promised lands.
If only I couldn’t hear your voice,
But it has the appeal of warm rains in May,
And I feel as if I have no choice
But to stand and listen.

I see you speak with outstretched hands;
I refuse to submit to your spellweaving voice,
And it’s your turn to listen.

So now I ask you why you left.
Was it something I said or did?
You turned and abandoned the love we’d created,
Buried it in a shallow death,
Stole my heart, retreated and hid,
Yet you expect me to accept you again?
I hear you ask me, “When?”
How am I to know or tell?
This road is hard to travel again.
Leading me once to a silent Hell.
You pawned our love and took hers in return,
Now you expect me to greet this love that you send
And the lies that you tell?
If I play with fire I’ll only get burned.

But along with your voice comes a seductive power.
Using this power for the lies that you sell,
And who am I but a lover spurned
After getting a taste of your passion flower
That now envelopes me in shades of you.

I don’t always remember the lessons I’ve learned.
I’ve tasted the bitterness of a love gone sour.
I think I’m beginning to dream myself,
Reminiscing of times when I would cower
At the thought of love. But I did love you.
And with that love came a certain wealth,
Where you were there and you consoled me.
Your persuasion creeps on velvet stealth
And has planted in my mind a seed -
Doubting now my fear of love -
You’ve revealed your mind, your guilt, yourself,
So no falsities are to be seen
From where I stand above.

Is it ok to dream of what we had?
You don’t realize how you hurt or how I bleed
Because of you. What I gave was never enough.

If I could tie my soul to the whitest dove
And set her free, would you grab
At her cargo before she flies
Away again? Or would you wait
Long enough to drive me mad?

You’re still outside under a lower moon,
Gleaming less as the starlight dies.
You should leave, it’s getting late
And I’ll start start to hear your voice soon.
You say you’ve found love beneath this perfect moon,
And I hear you with understanding and lust
For a familiar time, with no choice
But to leave my fears behind and trust.

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